Published: 12 January, 2012
by GERALD ISAAMAN

Stocking fillers have their uses come the dark days of January and the gloom seems everlasting, especially on the political front.

So here is a welcome antidote – and there is a picture of Winston Churchill on the cover jabbing the air with two fingers, a symbol now totally misunderstood – to bring a smile to your face or even a titter beyond the latest one on Twitter.

Great British Wit contains sections on power, politics and society worth pondering on.

“There’s as much chance of my becoming Prime Minister as there is of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being decapitated by a Frisbee or reincarnated as an olive” – Boris Johnson.

“If you are working-class, being an MP is the job your parents always wanted for you. It’s clean, indoor work and there is no heavy lifting” – Diane Abbott.

“There are no true friends in politics. We are all sharks circling and waiting for traces of blood to appear in the water” – the late Alan Clark.

“I don’t make predictions. I never have and I never will” – Tony Blair.

“The Tories’ main problem is that they don’t have anyone you’d want to go to bed with” – Ann Robinson.

 “Karl Marx wasn’t a Marxist all the time. He got drunk in the Tottenham Court Road” – the late Michael Foot.

“If you could get the common sense revolution to stand up and walk around, it would look like Ann Widdecombe” – William Hague.

When it comes to power, Jeffrey Archer, novelist and disgraced Tory peer, claimed: “I was allowed to ring the school bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.”

Margaret Thatcher insisted: “In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” And she added: “I am extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.”

But Spike Milligan asked: “Why are two Union Jacks like Margaret Thatcher’s knickers? Because no power on earth can pull them down.”

And Michael Heseltine declared: “I am humble enough to recognise that I have made mistakes, but politically astute enough to know that I have forgotten what they are.”

Norman St John-Stevas observed: “I have nothing against Hampstead. I used to live there myself in the days when I was an intellectual I gave that up when I became Leader of the House.”

Society – big or small – attracted few moments of wit, the prize for the best going to the comed­ienne Jo Brand: “Say what you like about Genghis Khan but, when he was around, old ladies could safely walk the streets of Mongolia at night.”

Europe too enjoyed some political wit.

“Europe is a place teeming with ill-intentioned persons” – Margaret Thatcher.

“Britain is the grit in the European oyster” – John Major.

And, finally, Bob Geldof declared: “As for the European Parliament – this place needs a laxative.”

• Great British Wit. By Rosemarie Jarski. Marks & Spencer, £8.99